More Everything

I had somewhat of a breakthrough today.  I've been struggling with my drive to find a new job.  I mean the physical act of walking out the door and putting in apps and my resume.  I've been paralyzed by that.  I was bad at doing that before Borders.  The only reason I applied for Borders 9 years ago was because my mom suggested it.  Or maybe it was my dad.  I've forgotten.  I'd never heard of it before and when they told me it was a bookstore, I jumped for it because I love reading.

I was very confident at Borders because I started fresh there.  It was a brand new store.  I was a brand new 20-year-old.  I grew up there.  I learned to be a leader there.  I learned so much about people and myself there.  I learned patience.  I learned how to embrace change.  I learned that people just want to be heard and acknowledged.  I learned peacekeeping.  I learned how to laugh at myself.  I loved it there and in the end, I hated it there.  Yes, I did quit, but I really had no idea it would have this much hold on me for this long of time after I left voluntarily.

Maybe I didn't give it enough thought after I left.  I wasn't prepared for how this time off would effect me.  The time alone.  The time thinking.  The time to get stuff done but not doing it.  The t.v., the internet sucking up all my valuable time.  I didn't know how important it was for me, as a person, to contribute monetarily to my own livelihood.  Jim told me today that he came back because he loved who I was when I was totally independent of him.  When I only had myself to think about I was thin, I was strong.  I had friends and a social life.  I went places and did things and had fun.  I don't do those things so much anymore and I'm worst for it.

with friends

It's so common sense what I need to do.  I need to stop thinking and start doing.  Every time I stop doing things, and I mean anything, I start getting depressed.  I feel so guilty that I had this whole day and all I did was watch t.v. and look at the internet.  I didn't work out or take the dogs for a walk.  I didn't start any woodworking projects that I want to do, I have three that I've planned but never started.  I didn't go put in my resume anywhere.  I didn't go take any pictures.  I didn't hang out with any of my friends that I miss and would really like to reconnect with.  Weeks, I've lost weeks.  It makes me so mad at myself.  So mad.

I need to get out of my head and just get shit done.  This is the only life I've got and I don't want to keep wasting it.  I want more fun.  I want more sense of accomplishment.  I want more everything.

Much Love

Manipulation

Bugs started a new habit of standing just outside the kitchen and staring at me.

She knows she's not allowed in the kitchen, and most of the time she follows the rules.

I love how you can see a halo of wiry hair sticking out from her skinny body.  We're letting the dogs coats grow out for winter.

She's going to look even more ridiculous in a month or two.

Bugs...out of the kitchen.

What do you want from me?

I can't understand you.  I don't speak dog.  I try not to communicate my every wish with my eyes, it makes me feel vulnerable.  But that doesn't stop you, does it, Bugs?

Okay, okay, I'll get off the computer and pet you.

Much Manipulation