My Head and Body Just Laughed

I saw something I wanted today.  Someone.  It's rare.  To see someone and be immediately attracted to them.  In real life, not everyone is perfect as in the pictures.  That was nice.

But

There 

Is 

Always

Something

Sad 

About

It

For me.  I felt regret.  Regret there wasn't even a chance.  Not even remotely, long shot, hail mary, one in a million, just nope.  No chchchance.  

So

Far

Away

I 

Can

Never 

Reach

It

Not from where I'm at.  So low down here on my own.  I saw him and immediately went on a trip.  A dream vacation that ended pretty fast in a painful realization.  I saw him smile and laugh and wanted to know what that felt like against my back...

My

Head

And 

Body

Just

Laughed

At 

My 

Wants

"You're a mess. Your body is a mess. Your mind is a wasteland. No one would be attracted to you like you are in any way.  Especially someone like him."  

It's 

Amazing 

How 

Fast 

I 

Shot

Myself 

In 

The 

Heart

falling

W
    h
       y

             c
               a
                 n
                   '
                    t
                             
                        I
                   
                           S
                              T
                                 O
                                    P

                                            f
                                                 a
                                                      l
                                                           l
                                                                 i
                                                                      n
                                                                           g


                                                                                             apart?

but now

I was going to do stuff today after work, but now I just want to shut my brain off.

Merica

Fucking 4th of July in this piece of shit country.  Remember it's full of people, and people are fucked up.

Stay Alone

What am I?  I feel like a robot with no task.  I feel like an alien with no probe.  What am I good for?  When you take away the societal norms that are put on a woman, a person, a being, what is it for?  Why is it here?  I feel so numb.  So outside.  I feel like an afterthought, an extra.  

My brain waves are confined to shallow puddles on a dirty sidewalk.  My heart is barely beating.  This is my depression speaking.  I know.  I know it's temporary but still...

I feel very alone.  I am very alone.  I made myself alone.  I don't know how to stop being alone.  Who would want this complete fucking mess?  So I stay alone.  I'll stay here.  

Sorry, I took a panic attack break.  So fun.  I'm not working as a human being.  As a person I'm not here.  I don't even know what I do for most the day, where I am.  Can you say auto pilot?  I sure can.  Auto pilot.  Acting like a normal person is exhausting.  I can only do it so long.

I am so far, so far from where I want to be.  Where I should be.  I'm no where near.  I have so far to go it seems impossible to get there, to start to get there.  I don't even know where.  I just know it's not here.  Where I am now, is the worst place.  All of it.  My head is way below the water.  

Existence is not living.  We only have so much time and I'm wasting mine.  Like sands of the hourglass so are the days of our lives....I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety right now if you haven't noticed.  I'm writing my anxiety down, hoping it will help me get past it.  It's slowly working.  One can only stay in a anxious state so long.  I've learned this about myself.  It comes and goes.  I just have to ride it out and I know it will pass. Until the next time.

Best I Can

I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I need to do something.  Something that will knock me loose.  Something that will give me tools to become what I want.  An achievement with something I have not been able to control for 20 years.  Something that is necessary and cannot be avoided but needs to be taken seriously and yes we only live once but I don’t want to be happy for 10 minutes and then miserable for THE REST OF THE DAY. 

I’m not proud of these grooves in my brain.  I want to be proud of myself. I don’t want to be doing this just for control reasons.  I want to feel better about being me.  That’s why I need to do something, do something that I can be proud of.  To know I’m doing something, something good for my brain and body and future and present.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this thing.  I’ve never been able to keep it up, to maintain something so basic and important to life.  I want, I want, I want a better quality of life.  The best I can get.

I will have to fight.  Fight my brain.  Fight my hormones.  Fight my cravings, which I’ve always given in to.  Fight habits and wants and immediate satisfaction.  Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, not give up, don’t give up, don’t tell yourself it’s not worth it.  It is worth it, you’re worth it, we’re all worth it.  10 minutes versus a Day. 

THIS person

There’s this person. 

They have everything they want. 

This person is where they want to be. 

They have their life on the path most fulfilling. 

This person is loyal and committed to things they believe in. 

They eat great food and their muscles are toned and their body can do amazing things.

This person is not jaded but realistically optimistic.

This person has a job that makes them feel content and challenged and happy. 

They laugh a lot and dance and look for the best in things. 

This person has a great group of friends that give support and laughter and expect the same in return. 

This person lives in a place that has beauty and is close to their family. 

This person listens and shows empathy and doesn’t judge quickly. 

This person has their shit together.

I have such a crush on this person.  I think about them all the time.  I’m obsessed with this person.

This person is not on anti-depressants because they eat healthy and meditate and exercise so their hormones aren’t always going haywire.

They take care of their body and teeth and skin. 

They take care of themselves.

This person can run and climb and lift.

This person can physically defend themselves.

They don’t make excuses for making bad choices.

This person is in the moment. 

They are present.

They are not afraid to love because they might get hurt or experience loss.

This person does not give up.

This person is my future self.  She’s pretty great.