Detrimental

I keep getting down on myself.  I see myself doing things that are detrimental to my well being, then I feel bad about those decisions, and that makes me want to feel better, so I do things that are detrimental to my well being.  Round and round I go. I've had thirty years to learn myself.  3-0.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not in charge of anything.  My will is not my own.  It's so easy to run off the tracks, fall off the bridge, and you look up and see how far you have to climb to get back to...what?  It feels like a weird biological pattern.  I think it's survival, but it's surviving in one of the most affluent countries in the world.  All the choices are my own.  All the bad.  All the good.