Best I Can

I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I need to do something.  Something that will knock me loose.  Something that will give me tools to become what I want.  An achievement with something I have not been able to control for 20 years.  Something that is necessary and cannot be avoided but needs to be taken seriously and yes we only live once but I don’t want to be happy for 10 minutes and then miserable for THE REST OF THE DAY. 

I’m not proud of these grooves in my brain.  I want to be proud of myself. I don’t want to be doing this just for control reasons.  I want to feel better about being me.  That’s why I need to do something, do something that I can be proud of.  To know I’m doing something, something good for my brain and body and future and present.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this thing.  I’ve never been able to keep it up, to maintain something so basic and important to life.  I want, I want, I want a better quality of life.  The best I can get.

I will have to fight.  Fight my brain.  Fight my hormones.  Fight my cravings, which I’ve always given in to.  Fight habits and wants and immediate satisfaction.  Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, not give up, don’t give up, don’t tell yourself it’s not worth it.  It is worth it, you’re worth it, we’re all worth it.  10 minutes versus a Day. 

THIS person

There’s this person. 

They have everything they want. 

This person is where they want to be. 

They have their life on the path most fulfilling. 

This person is loyal and committed to things they believe in. 

They eat great food and their muscles are toned and their body can do amazing things.

This person is not jaded but realistically optimistic.

This person has a job that makes them feel content and challenged and happy. 

They laugh a lot and dance and look for the best in things. 

This person has a great group of friends that give support and laughter and expect the same in return. 

This person lives in a place that has beauty and is close to their family. 

This person listens and shows empathy and doesn’t judge quickly. 

This person has their shit together.

I have such a crush on this person.  I think about them all the time.  I’m obsessed with this person.

This person is not on anti-depressants because they eat healthy and meditate and exercise so their hormones aren’t always going haywire.

They take care of their body and teeth and skin. 

They take care of themselves.

This person can run and climb and lift.

This person can physically defend themselves.

They don’t make excuses for making bad choices.

This person is in the moment. 

They are present.

They are not afraid to love because they might get hurt or experience loss.

This person does not give up.

This person is my future self.  She’s pretty great.