Best I Can

I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I need to do something.  Something that will knock me loose.  Something that will give me tools to become what I want.  An achievement with something I have not been able to control for 20 years.  Something that is necessary and cannot be avoided but needs to be taken seriously and yes we only live once but I don’t want to be happy for 10 minutes and then miserable for THE REST OF THE DAY. 

I’m not proud of these grooves in my brain.  I want to be proud of myself. I don’t want to be doing this just for control reasons.  I want to feel better about being me.  That’s why I need to do something, do something that I can be proud of.  To know I’m doing something, something good for my brain and body and future and present.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this thing.  I’ve never been able to keep it up, to maintain something so basic and important to life.  I want, I want, I want a better quality of life.  The best I can get.

I will have to fight.  Fight my brain.  Fight my hormones.  Fight my cravings, which I’ve always given in to.  Fight habits and wants and immediate satisfaction.  Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, not give up, don’t give up, don’t tell yourself it’s not worth it.  It is worth it, you’re worth it, we’re all worth it.  10 minutes versus a Day.