Stay Alone

What am I?  I feel like a robot with no task.  I feel like an alien with no probe.  What am I good for?  When you take away the societal norms that are put on a woman, a person, a being, what is it for?  Why is it here?  I feel so numb.  So outside.  I feel like an afterthought, an extra.  

My brain waves are confined to shallow puddles on a dirty sidewalk.  My heart is barely beating.  This is my depression speaking.  I know.  I know it's temporary but still...

I feel very alone.  I am very alone.  I made myself alone.  I don't know how to stop being alone.  Who would want this complete fucking mess?  So I stay alone.  I'll stay here.  

Sorry, I took a panic attack break.  So fun.  I'm not working as a human being.  As a person I'm not here.  I don't even know what I do for most the day, where I am.  Can you say auto pilot?  I sure can.  Auto pilot.  Acting like a normal person is exhausting.  I can only do it so long.

I am so far, so far from where I want to be.  Where I should be.  I'm no where near.  I have so far to go it seems impossible to get there, to start to get there.  I don't even know where.  I just know it's not here.  Where I am now, is the worst place.  All of it.  My head is way below the water.  

Existence is not living.  We only have so much time and I'm wasting mine.  Like sands of the hourglass so are the days of our lives....I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety right now if you haven't noticed.  I'm writing my anxiety down, hoping it will help me get past it.  It's slowly working.  One can only stay in a anxious state so long.  I've learned this about myself.  It comes and goes.  I just have to ride it out and I know it will pass. Until the next time.