Most Times

Sometimes I have such hope for my life.  I see the possibility everywhere.

But most times, I have trouble seeing the point.

My hope gets lost quite easily.

Fear

Overall, I have a lack of emotion.  Moreover, I believe I am stopping said emotion from materializing because of fear.

The fear of pain.

Eight months of varying levels of emotional pain.  When a memory or an errant thought becomes whole I seem to duck them like fastballs aimed at my head (or more saccharin, my heart).  I have come to that part.  Not yet indifferent but no longer invested in anything.

I find my ability to feel sorry for myself edging toward infinite.



"It has been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone." 
--Rose Kennedy

Honesty

Honesty is...we weren't meant for each other.  I knew that the whole time.  Right?

It's True

My back aches and I can't make a fist.  Sledgehammers are heavy.

I feel like a single cell organism.  Put your head down and work.

I told her I've forgotten how to have fun.  I truly have.  Saying it as a joke but realizing it's true.  Fun is good.  Fun is nice but...there's always a but in my way.

Reading is fun.  I read.  Reading is sexy.  

The rain is nice.  It's been a while since I've stood in the rain.  So fresh and so clean.

Compulsion

I am replacing a lot of old things.  My front door.  My shower.  My bedding.  My view of myself.  I look at my old life possessions and just want something new.  Something that doesn't remind me.  Something that doesn't hold memories.  Something new that's just mine.  It's becoming something of a compulsion.

Can Not

I cannot.  Can not stop.  Why the fuck am I still like this?  Shut me down.  Shut me up.  Shut up, Erin.  Jump off your dream cliff and see if you don't wake up in time this time.

Brittle

My days run together like wild horses over the hills.  I come and go.  Fast and slow.  Tell me it will be okay again.  Don't mind when I roll my eyes.  My hope, the hope that has sustained my life is withered and brittle.    Breaking apart, breaking away and falling, unable to be found.  Like me.