Not Enough

I hated this year.  This year, this year needs to end.  It needs to die.  Words fly around in my brain like a bird that can't find a way out.  All I feel is sad, sad, sad.

Slow starter, self-sabotage-er, anti-social old woman.

I don't know what will happen.  I don't know anything anymore.  I can't bring myself to say anything positive and that's disconcerting me.  Everything sounds so stupid and cliche and not enough.

I need to pull myself out of this hole.  It's just hard when you can't see a way out.

Easy

It's easy to stay single when you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone.

Thanks

Sadie loves the Ranger

Kara had a lot of funny faces to share.  That's the face Owen does sometimes.

Dog

Dad

Everything was on fire.

Look at her.  She's an angel.

Oh no, a bear!!

Ahh!!!

Ah, another bear!

Ah, a kitten?!!

Go home Lohan, you're drunk!

Mark won for Best Behaved.

Rock Steady

Duo

"He can't keep a straight face when I do this." --Donna

Favorite Picture for some reason

Mark is a beard and hair model.  A bear model.  A bear.  A lumberjack. Etc.

Focused

Most Times

Sometimes I have such hope for my life.  I see the possibility everywhere.

But most times, I have trouble seeing the point.

My hope gets lost quite easily.

Fear

Overall, I have a lack of emotion.  Moreover, I believe I am stopping said emotion from materializing because of fear.

The fear of pain.

Eight months of varying levels of emotional pain.  When a memory or an errant thought becomes whole I seem to duck them like fastballs aimed at my head (or more saccharin, my heart).  I have come to that part.  Not yet indifferent but no longer invested in anything.

I find my ability to feel sorry for myself edging toward infinite.



"It has been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone." 
--Rose Kennedy

Honesty

Honesty is...we weren't meant for each other.  I knew that the whole time.  Right?

It's True

My back aches and I can't make a fist.  Sledgehammers are heavy.

I feel like a single cell organism.  Put your head down and work.

I told her I've forgotten how to have fun.  I truly have.  Saying it as a joke but realizing it's true.  Fun is good.  Fun is nice but...there's always a but in my way.

Reading is fun.  I read.  Reading is sexy.  

The rain is nice.  It's been a while since I've stood in the rain.  So fresh and so clean.

Compulsion

I am replacing a lot of old things.  My front door.  My shower.  My bedding.  My view of myself.  I look at my old life possessions and just want something new.  Something that doesn't remind me.  Something that doesn't hold memories.  Something new that's just mine.  It's becoming something of a compulsion.

Can Not

I cannot.  Can not stop.  Why the fuck am I still like this?  Shut me down.  Shut me up.  Shut up, Erin.  Jump off your dream cliff and see if you don't wake up in time this time.

Brittle

My days run together like wild horses over the hills.  I come and go.  Fast and slow.  Tell me it will be okay again.  Don't mind when I roll my eyes.  My hope, the hope that has sustained my life is withered and brittle.    Breaking apart, breaking away and falling, unable to be found.  Like me.

Things Missing

Maybe I need nothing.  Maybe I shouldn't get any of my stuff back. Or re-buy it.  Not that I deserved what happened but sometimes (just sometimes) I hate my situation so much I just want everything to be different.  I want it to look completely different, not just kinda like it used to look with some things missing.

Paranoid

So...I got robbed.  My house got robbed while Miranda (my roommate and friend) and I were out.
This happened on the 14th of August, probably right after we left at 4pm to go swimming at my parent's house.  When we came home I noticed there wasn't any resistance when I turned the key to unlock the front door.  We walked in and saw that the 55 inch TV wasn't on the wall where it normally was.  I "mom stopped" Miranda and we listened to see if they were still in the house.  We didn't want to chance it so we went back outside and called 911.

The 911 operator threw me off because she said she'd call me when an officer was on the way.  I had to clarify that the police weren't coming right then, at that moment.  I asked her what we should do.  Should we go in or stay outside?  What if they are still in there?  She told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with.  Huh?  Quoting Miranda, "What does that mean?"

So we went in the garage and I got my pepper spray and Miranda got a mallet and we decided to clear the house ourselves.  We burst through the front door and Miranda yells, "If anyone's still in here I'm going to fucking shoot you!"  Turns out they were gone.

It's hard to describe how I felt going through my house and seeing the utter disrespect for my belongings strewn about all over the ground.  My mattress was moved, my underware drawer gone through.  Everything was touched or pulled down and looked at for it's monetary value.  They took all the electronics.  TV's, laptops, cameras, my mouse, my ipod, my flip camcorder, etc.  The only non-electronic stuff they took were two Buddha shaped piggy banks (assholes), Miranda's laptop bag, and one, just one of my pillow cases, probably to carry stuff in.  I really liked that pillow case.  It was part of a new set.

There was a lot of crying and shaking and hugging at first, and then I said,"We need to make a list."  Mom came over and Jeremy came over with a baseball bat and a massive Mag light.  Paul, the officer who took our initial report showed up.  I told him I suspected my neighbor, whom I hate and he hates me.  Paul said he wasn't going over there because he didn't carry a gun.  Mom helped us calm down and form an action plan.  After Mom left we all stayed up until 4am because we were so jittery.  I had to sleep with the light on.  I felt like someone was going to come through the window any second.

Intellectually, you know that they're gone, they're not in your house any more, they got what they wanted.  Emotionally, all you feel is unsafe and violated and discombobulated.  I could picture them running around my house, grabbing things, looking through things, being jacked up on the adrenalin of what they were doing.  It's like there was residual energy that we could feel. 

I felt lucky.  We didn't walk in on this happening and they didn't take my external hard drive.  I keep all my pictures, music, videos, ebooks, and movies on my external.  My life is on that external, and they didn't take it.  I just looked at it fondly, happy it's in front of me.  My big, cool, Nikon is gone but I can get another one just like it.  Same goes with the TV.  I didn't want that TV in the first place.

The next morning Miranda comes out talking to someone "important" on her phone.  She sounds excited and keeps saying, "Yes, that's mine!"  A probation officer had been doing a spot check on a house in our neighborhood and noticed that a juvenile had an Apple Macbook.  She didn't believe he'd bought it so she took it from him and saw that it was registered to some white girl named Miranda.  So yay, Miranda got her laptop back.  The only thing they recovered was one of my Buddha piggy banks.  The PO, Diane, went back with the police and they arrested three juveniles who, I guess, imediately rolled on each other and admitted to selling the TV's already and stealing our stuff.  There were a total of five males involved in our home invasion.

The Detective working on our case is mildly excited because they have people in custody and the DA is going to press charges against them.  Normally, burglary cases have no leads, nothing is recovered and the cases are just closed with a ,"Sorry."

It's upsetting how much more paranoid I am now.  I am scared to be in my house alone.  I'm just scared in general.  It's hard to look at this experience in any kind of positive light.  I don't see light in many places anymore.  It's like there's a fog around me right now.  I can't find my way out.

Not Finishing

I'm having a hard time expressing myself at the moment.  I'm trying to write a post about being robbed but I just keep not finishing it.

Or Dead

"Well, at least I'm not this bad or that bad or dead," I say.



Everyone has their own level of problems.



Is it stranger that I just grieve what's in my mind, in my memory?
Nothing new.



I don't need anything new to get over.



I've had enough.

Or Current Resident

It is hard to declare that somethings that mattered to me for what seems like forever doesn't matter any more.  But it has to be declared or I will circle back around.

My throat closes up.  Everything blurs.  My tears bathe my cheeks warm and comforting.  I've still got it.  I've cried a river.  Mark that off.  I'm almost afraid of the time when I won't cry.  What will I feel then?  Indifference?

I wasn't the one.  It didn't work.  Thank you and goodbye.

My Ship

I feel like I am floating in space with nothing around me.  No sound.  No senses.  Just nothing.

Just one foot in front of the other.
Just keep swimming.
Just until you find a better job.
Just until your birthday.

My ship has abandoned me out here.  I have no home.

Dead Dogs

Saw a little dog with an obviously broken foot in the street yesterday.  It reminded me of Bugs.  My sweet little girl.  I want to think that she died quick.  I'm just going to think that.  

I was having a string of short dreams last night that carried into the morning.  The last one was the worst.  It's hard to explain and somewhat hard to admit, but I know it just came out of my synapses.  It had to do with Jim and him saying things that aren't true anymore.  Even in the dream I seemed like I didn't believe what he was saying.  And of course that was the last dream I had before I woke up.  

Then I saw two dead dogs on the side of the road on my way to work.  

Not Invisible

I'm swimming in the shallow end of the pool.  The kiddie pool.  The wading pool.  I don't do deep.  I don't do remember.  Except late at night before I can stop myself and redirect.  I think of other things that need thinking about or I don't think at all.  I just go from one thing to the next.

I wanna thank my friends and family for being there when I need you.  I guess asking for help does work.  I guess I'm not alone.

Thank you, Mr. Police Officer, for showing me that I'm not invisible.

Rolling

The more I accomplish the more I know I can accomplish.  Let's start rolling down the hill a little out of control, a little crazy, but still knowing how you want to do it again when you get to the bottom.

Like Having a Child

At work I realized that I have to look at love, being in love, like having a child.
It's a responsibility.
It needs to be fed.
It needs exercise.
It needs attention.
It can't flourish if it's just ignored and taken out to play ever once in a while.

Fun

Last night was fun.  I'm glad I did it.  One more first over with.

Reality

Just got off the treadmill.  I haven't been on it since before I had my toe worked on three weeks ago.  I walked at an incline for 50 minutes and ran continuously for 10.  I did better than I thought I would.  Watching a show called "Cajun Justice" might have helped in distracting me from thinking about stopping.  Oh, reality t.v. and all it's incarnations.

Underneath

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, who I'm talking to or what I'm looking at.

It's always there, underneath my skin.

Memorial Day with the Dodgers

Mom got hooked up with some tickets to a Dodger game from her job.  She was nice enough to invite two of her children and her husband to go with her.

The walk up.

Welcome to Dodger Stadium

It was on Memorial Day.  I was grateful that I had something cool to do instead of sitting at my house watching true crime.  Great weather.  Our seats were on the first base line but still in the sun when the game started.  We started slathering on the sun screen and Dad and Guy started taking off clothes.

First look at our seats.  See the jackets?

Just celebrated 4o years of marriage and they're still smiling.

Bunch of guys just standing around watching batting practice.

I wasn't even aware they were playing the Brewers until we got to our seats.  Tells you how much I've been following baseball this year.  I was just happy to be with the family.

Hot Mamma!

God, she's so cute!

Dad and I went to buy some beer and find some sort of beverage and peanuts for Mom.  Thankfully they sold beer other than Bud Light.  Dad had Blue Moon and I had Dos Equis.  

Guy, eating a wiener.

First beer he's had in a while.

Everything was expensive but the Dodger Dogs were only a dollar.  I think Dad and Guy both ate two.

Yummy!

Kent, eating a wiener. 

They poured the beer into a plastic cup so I knew it was going to get warm fast so I concluded that I had to drink it fast. Ok.

This beer was $13.25.  Gah.

It was hot and we got pretty sweaty but the light was great and it's hard to complain when you're somewhere so picturesque.

This helicopter kept flying around during the whole game.

Susan

The day was very focused on service men and women.  We had an all branch color guard and a Sargent sang the Star Spangled Banner.  Did a good job, too. 

Star Spangled Banner

The first pitch was thrown by a Marine.

Didn't bounce it!

Mom started making a mess with her expensive peanuts ($6!) like she was at a hoedown in Texas.

Eat the peanut! 

First pitch of the game.

If you look really close, three rows back from the white baseball mat on the field, behind the guy in a pink shirt, you'll see legendary Dodgers Manager, Tommy Lasorda, in the picture below.  Good luck.

Lasorda

Peanuts!  Old school.

Action Shot!

Having fun?

Iced Lemonade!

On base.

Lots of blue.

Dodger Stadium is celebrating it's 50th Anniversary.  I think it's the 3rd oldest ballpark in Major League Baseball behind Fenway and Wrigley.  But it's the biggest.

Happy Anniversary!

This "Make Some Noise" was sponsored by Wonderful Pistachios.  Seriously?! 

Make Some Noise -- Buy Pistachios

I was watching the game, I swear, but I was looking around, too.  That's what I love about baseball games, there's time for you to take in your surroundings along with the game.  The majority of these pictures were taken from my seat.

Some girl's back.

This old guy was so cute.  I made up his life story in my mind when he stopped to talk to a patron in front of us.  

Action Shot!

The only thing that marred the game was the treatment of Braun.  Ryan Braun was up for a 50-game suspension early this year because he tested positive for a high level of testosterone which was caused by performance enhancing drugs.  He appealed the suspension and was re-tested and had normal levels.  He was the first player to challenge a drug test result and have it overturned.

National League MVP, All Star, Sliver Slugger

Every time Braun came out to bat the whole crowd booed him intensely.  I'd actually heard of this incident and was sympathetic towards Braun.  I'm guessing having that happen to him during what has been a stellar career is disheartening and intensely stressful.  I was surprised at how much hate was thrown at this guy.

This guy was in front of us.

Just one of the many servicemen at the game.  Photo Credit - Kent Thompson

Brother

All these girls did the whole game was look for celebrities with their binoculars.  Probably hot guys, too. 

People Watching

HIT!

Formation

Even though the Dodgers lost to the Brewers, 3-2, it was a good game and fun time. 

Goodnight Dodgers

Where's the car?

There's the car!

Bye L.A.  Stay classy.

Much Love