Badass

I've been training for a 5K on April 7th.  I've had some trouble staying consistent but I've been on track this past two weeks.  With Jim gone I seem to have a lot more time on my hands.  Sometimes it feels like a punishment but I know it's actually a gift I'm giving myself by doing this.  I'll thank myself later, much later.  I've been using my lovely treadmill to walk and run and I ran two continuous miles last night and was quite proud of myself.  Thought I was a badass.

Well, tonight I casually mention to my brother that I need to start running outside on the real ground.  My brother regularly runs 6 miles at a time.  So he says, "Let's go tonight."  I say, "Fine." (Well, I said it more in a whiny-scared-nervous voice.)
There's a route I used to take from the house to walk the dogs.  It's a big square that Guy tells me once around is 1.6 miles.  So twice around is 3.2 miles.  5 kilometers is 3.1 miles.

Perfect.  I ran two miles on the treadmill last night and wasn't dying, per se, I can do this.  Um, wow, yeah, that was a lot harder than running on the treadmill.  It just seems like you have to think and control so many things you don't need to worry about when you're on a flat, steady treadmill.  We went around twice, so I got the distance.  I will admit that I did need to walk for about half a mile within those 3.2.  I was dying.  My face is so red.  I will pay for this tomorrow.

This was 30min after running and still red-faced.

Much Mouth Breathing

Numb

I feel very numb right now.  I don't feel anything.

Wish

I wish I could stop this.  I wish I could stop thinking.  I wish I could be someone else for a while.

It's been a while since I didn't want to be myself.

All I Had

It's been two weeks since Jim and I broke up.  Or if you want honesty, Jim broke up with me and I didn't see the point arguing with him if he didn't want to be with me.  He took the dogs because he can afford them and I can't.  My life is pretty empty without them and I'm trying to find things to fill it with.  It's exhausting trying to not think about what I've lost.  It's hard to think of it positively.  I can only divert myself so long until it comes over me.  I don't want to replace anything.  I can't.  Not when all I think about is what I had.

Ex

This house is so different.  I can't stop crying.  My babies are gone.  I've had a dog die before and it killed me. But my dogs aren't dead.  They are with my ex.  I miss them so much already.

Last

On the unwanted homestretch.  Last weekend with the dogs.  Last time we will be anything close to what we were.  This is killing me.

Closer

The closer it gets to him leaving with the dogs, the more panicked I get.  What am I going to do with myself?  Who am I going to go to?  What am I going to do?

Leaving

This is the weirdest, most horrible breakup I've had.  He's leaving very soon.  The dogs are going with him.  This house is going to be very, very quiet.

Remember

I don't really remember what it was like before we were together.  I only know I've been through it before and came out the other side stronger and more confident in who I am.  I just need to focus on myself and what I have control over.  I don't know how long it will take me to forget what it's like to be with him.

Big

Well, this one's going to be rough.  An almost 7 year relationship crumbled yesterday under my feet.  I said I wanted to end up somewhere interesting when I started this blog.  This wasn't really what I had in mind.
Big pain.  Big fear.  Big grief.  Big worries.  Big tears.


This hurts.