My Head and Body Just Laughed

I saw something I wanted today.  Someone.  It's rare.  To see someone and be immediately attracted to them.  In real life, not everyone is perfect as in the pictures.  That was nice.

But

There 

Is 

Always

Something

Sad 

About

It

For me.  I felt regret.  Regret there wasn't even a chance.  Not even remotely, long shot, hail mary, one in a million, just nope.  No chchchance.  

So

Far

Away

I 

Can

Never 

Reach

It

Not from where I'm at.  So low down here on my own.  I saw him and immediately went on a trip.  A dream vacation that ended pretty fast in a painful realization.  I saw him smile and laugh and wanted to know what that felt like against my back...

My

Head

And 

Body

Just

Laughed

At 

My 

Wants

"You're a mess. Your body is a mess. Your mind is a wasteland. No one would be attracted to you like you are in any way.  Especially someone like him."  

It's 

Amazing 

How 

Fast 

I 

Shot

Myself 

In 

The 

Heart

falling

W
    h
       y

             c
               a
                 n
                   '
                    t
                             
                        I
                   
                           S
                              T
                                 O
                                    P

                                            f
                                                 a
                                                      l
                                                           l
                                                                 i
                                                                      n
                                                                           g


                                                                                             apart?

but now

I was going to do stuff today after work, but now I just want to shut my brain off.

Merica

Fucking 4th of July in this piece of shit country.  Remember it's full of people, and people are fucked up.

Stay Alone

What am I?  I feel like a robot with no task.  I feel like an alien with no probe.  What am I good for?  When you take away the societal norms that are put on a woman, a person, a being, what is it for?  Why is it here?  I feel so numb.  So outside.  I feel like an afterthought, an extra.  

My brain waves are confined to shallow puddles on a dirty sidewalk.  My heart is barely beating.  This is my depression speaking.  I know.  I know it's temporary but still...

I feel very alone.  I am very alone.  I made myself alone.  I don't know how to stop being alone.  Who would want this complete fucking mess?  So I stay alone.  I'll stay here.  

Sorry, I took a panic attack break.  So fun.  I'm not working as a human being.  As a person I'm not here.  I don't even know what I do for most the day, where I am.  Can you say auto pilot?  I sure can.  Auto pilot.  Acting like a normal person is exhausting.  I can only do it so long.

I am so far, so far from where I want to be.  Where I should be.  I'm no where near.  I have so far to go it seems impossible to get there, to start to get there.  I don't even know where.  I just know it's not here.  Where I am now, is the worst place.  All of it.  My head is way below the water.  

Existence is not living.  We only have so much time and I'm wasting mine.  Like sands of the hourglass so are the days of our lives....I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety right now if you haven't noticed.  I'm writing my anxiety down, hoping it will help me get past it.  It's slowly working.  One can only stay in a anxious state so long.  I've learned this about myself.  It comes and goes.  I just have to ride it out and I know it will pass. Until the next time.