Household Thoughts

That's one of our new throw pillows.  We got them at Ikea.

That's one of our sheer curtains we got at Bed Bath and Beyond.  They're getting a little grody.

I don't know why I can't keep them clean.  

I'm thinking about having our couches professionally cleaned, too.  We'll see.

Much Love

I've Always Wanted To Be

I've always enjoyed walking/running on treadmills.  When my family joined a gym when I was in high school, the treadmill was my favorite.  The bad part was that you could only stay on it for 20 minutes at a time or else you'd have someone breathing down your neck until you got off.  Then when I moved into my first apartment they had a little gym with some treadmills.  It was such a relaxing thing.  I could go by myself or with my man and just stay on that treadmill until I got tired.  Now, I've never been a runner, but I've always wanted to be.  So.....

My New Friend

That's right.  At home treadmill!  I pretty much had to beg Jim to buy it.  We're really trying to cut back on our spending and a $600 treadmill isn't really a small purchase.  He finally agreed when I promised to use it everyday and to stay strictly to our budget for a while.  I squeeeeed with joy when I showed up at the house.  I personally put it together.  I can watch whatever I want on TV, listen to music on it; it's great.  I've been on it almost every day since it came in the beginning of January.  Here's a little proof. 

Wickett doing a butt twirl with me in the background

Then I get an email from my sister, Kara.  She asks if I need outside motivation to exercise.  A 5K run/walk (but I only think of it as a run).  She's running in it, do I want to run with her?  What it boils down to is that it's a goal.  I haven't had a concrete goal in a while.  I've never run in any race.  I think the last time I was entered in a race was in elementary school and I stayed home from school that day because I was "sick."  

I said, "Yes, I will run with you."  

Baby steps for me.  I'm three training runs in and I'm pretty positive I can accomplish this goal.  Who knows what I could get done after this.

Much Run/Walking

Loss

It's never all good.  There's always something wrong somewhere.  I'm at a loss.

Much Frustration

The Good Earth

"I don't wait for moods.  You accomplish nothing if you do that.  Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

--Pearl S. Buck

More Everything

I had somewhat of a breakthrough today.  I've been struggling with my drive to find a new job.  I mean the physical act of walking out the door and putting in apps and my resume.  I've been paralyzed by that.  I was bad at doing that before Borders.  The only reason I applied for Borders 9 years ago was because my mom suggested it.  Or maybe it was my dad.  I've forgotten.  I'd never heard of it before and when they told me it was a bookstore, I jumped for it because I love reading.

I was very confident at Borders because I started fresh there.  It was a brand new store.  I was a brand new 20-year-old.  I grew up there.  I learned to be a leader there.  I learned so much about people and myself there.  I learned patience.  I learned how to embrace change.  I learned that people just want to be heard and acknowledged.  I learned peacekeeping.  I learned how to laugh at myself.  I loved it there and in the end, I hated it there.  Yes, I did quit, but I really had no idea it would have this much hold on me for this long of time after I left voluntarily.

Maybe I didn't give it enough thought after I left.  I wasn't prepared for how this time off would effect me.  The time alone.  The time thinking.  The time to get stuff done but not doing it.  The t.v., the internet sucking up all my valuable time.  I didn't know how important it was for me, as a person, to contribute monetarily to my own livelihood.  Jim told me today that he came back because he loved who I was when I was totally independent of him.  When I only had myself to think about I was thin, I was strong.  I had friends and a social life.  I went places and did things and had fun.  I don't do those things so much anymore and I'm worst for it.

with friends

It's so common sense what I need to do.  I need to stop thinking and start doing.  Every time I stop doing things, and I mean anything, I start getting depressed.  I feel so guilty that I had this whole day and all I did was watch t.v. and look at the internet.  I didn't work out or take the dogs for a walk.  I didn't start any woodworking projects that I want to do, I have three that I've planned but never started.  I didn't go put in my resume anywhere.  I didn't go take any pictures.  I didn't hang out with any of my friends that I miss and would really like to reconnect with.  Weeks, I've lost weeks.  It makes me so mad at myself.  So mad.

I need to get out of my head and just get shit done.  This is the only life I've got and I don't want to keep wasting it.  I want more fun.  I want more sense of accomplishment.  I want more everything.

Much Love

Manipulation

Bugs started a new habit of standing just outside the kitchen and staring at me.

She knows she's not allowed in the kitchen, and most of the time she follows the rules.

I love how you can see a halo of wiry hair sticking out from her skinny body.  We're letting the dogs coats grow out for winter.

She's going to look even more ridiculous in a month or two.

Bugs...out of the kitchen.

What do you want from me?

I can't understand you.  I don't speak dog.  I try not to communicate my every wish with my eyes, it makes me feel vulnerable.  But that doesn't stop you, does it, Bugs?

Okay, okay, I'll get off the computer and pet you.

Much Manipulation

Pattern

I need a new pattern in my life.  I keep doing the same thing to myself over and over and feeling the same way over and over.  I wonder if I have the fortitude to reformat my day or my thinking or the way I say things.  I want to do so much.  I want to get out of this house.  I want to stop being so afraid of everything.  I remember being like this before.  It's like the last 9 years never happened.  But they did happen.  I grew up.  I keep forgetting that.  I'm in adult denial. I'm a slow starter.

Much Love