My back aches and I can't make a fist. Sledgehammers are heavy.
I feel like a single cell organism. Put your head down and work.
I told her I've forgotten how to have fun. I truly have. Saying it as a joke but realizing it's true. Fun is good. Fun is nice but...there's always a but in my way.
Reading is fun. I read. Reading is sexy.
The rain is nice. It's been a while since I've stood in the rain. So fresh and so clean.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Compulsion
I am replacing a lot of old things. My front door. My shower. My bedding. My view of myself. I look at my old life possessions and just want something new. Something that doesn't remind me. Something that doesn't hold memories. Something new that's just mine. It's becoming something of a compulsion.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Can Not
I cannot. Can not stop. Why the fuck am I still like this? Shut me down. Shut me up. Shut up, Erin. Jump off your dream cliff and see if you don't wake up in time this time.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Brittle
My days run together like wild horses over the hills. I come and go. Fast and slow. Tell me it will be okay again. Don't mind when I roll my eyes. My hope, the hope that has sustained my life is withered and brittle. Breaking apart, breaking away and falling, unable to be found. Like me.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Things Missing
Maybe I need nothing. Maybe I shouldn't get any of my stuff back. Or re-buy it. Not that I deserved what happened but sometimes (just sometimes) I hate my situation so much I just want everything to be different. I want it to look completely different, not just kinda like it used to look with some things missing.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Paranoid
So...I got robbed. My house got robbed while Miranda (my roommate and friend) and I were out.
This happened on the 14th of August, probably right after we left at 4pm to go swimming at my parent's house. When we came home I noticed there wasn't any resistance when I turned the key to unlock the front door. We walked in and saw that the 55 inch TV wasn't on the wall where it normally was. I "mom stopped" Miranda and we listened to see if they were still in the house. We didn't want to chance it so we went back outside and called 911.
The 911 operator threw me off because she said she'd call me when an officer was on the way. I had to clarify that the police weren't coming right then, at that moment. I asked her what we should do. Should we go in or stay outside? What if they are still in there? She told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with. Huh? Quoting Miranda, "What does that mean?"
So we went in the garage and I got my pepper spray and Miranda got a mallet and we decided to clear the house ourselves. We burst through the front door and Miranda yells, "If anyone's still in here I'm going to fucking shoot you!" Turns out they were gone.
It's hard to describe how I felt going through my house and seeing the utter disrespect for my belongings strewn about all over the ground. My mattress was moved, my underware drawer gone through. Everything was touched or pulled down and looked at for it's monetary value. They took all the electronics. TV's, laptops, cameras, my mouse, my ipod, my flip camcorder, etc. The only non-electronic stuff they took were two Buddha shaped piggy banks (assholes), Miranda's laptop bag, and one, just one of my pillow cases, probably to carry stuff in. I really liked that pillow case. It was part of a new set.
There was a lot of crying and shaking and hugging at first, and then I said,"We need to make a list." Mom came over and Jeremy came over with a baseball bat and a massive Mag light. Paul, the officer who took our initial report showed up. I told him I suspected my neighbor, whom I hate and he hates me. Paul said he wasn't going over there because he didn't carry a gun. Mom helped us calm down and form an action plan. After Mom left we all stayed up until 4am because we were so jittery. I had to sleep with the light on. I felt like someone was going to come through the window any second.
Intellectually, you know that they're gone, they're not in your house any more, they got what they wanted. Emotionally, all you feel is unsafe and violated and discombobulated. I could picture them running around my house, grabbing things, looking through things, being jacked up on the adrenalin of what they were doing. It's like there was residual energy that we could feel.
I felt lucky. We didn't walk in on this happening and they didn't take my external hard drive. I keep all my pictures, music, videos, ebooks, and movies on my external. My life is on that external, and they didn't take it. I just looked at it fondly, happy it's in front of me. My big, cool, Nikon is gone but I can get another one just like it. Same goes with the TV. I didn't want that TV in the first place.
The next morning Miranda comes out talking to someone "important" on her phone. She sounds excited and keeps saying, "Yes, that's mine!" A probation officer had been doing a spot check on a house in our neighborhood and noticed that a juvenile had an Apple Macbook. She didn't believe he'd bought it so she took it from him and saw that it was registered to some white girl named Miranda. So yay, Miranda got her laptop back. The only thing they recovered was one of my Buddha piggy banks. The PO, Diane, went back with the police and they arrested three juveniles who, I guess, imediately rolled on each other and admitted to selling the TV's already and stealing our stuff. There were a total of five males involved in our home invasion.
The Detective working on our case is mildly excited because they have people in custody and the DA is going to press charges against them. Normally, burglary cases have no leads, nothing is recovered and the cases are just closed with a ,"Sorry."
It's upsetting how much more paranoid I am now. I am scared to be in my house alone. I'm just scared in general. It's hard to look at this experience in any kind of positive light. I don't see light in many places anymore. It's like there's a fog around me right now. I can't find my way out.
This happened on the 14th of August, probably right after we left at 4pm to go swimming at my parent's house. When we came home I noticed there wasn't any resistance when I turned the key to unlock the front door. We walked in and saw that the 55 inch TV wasn't on the wall where it normally was. I "mom stopped" Miranda and we listened to see if they were still in the house. We didn't want to chance it so we went back outside and called 911.
The 911 operator threw me off because she said she'd call me when an officer was on the way. I had to clarify that the police weren't coming right then, at that moment. I asked her what we should do. Should we go in or stay outside? What if they are still in there? She told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with. Huh? Quoting Miranda, "What does that mean?"
So we went in the garage and I got my pepper spray and Miranda got a mallet and we decided to clear the house ourselves. We burst through the front door and Miranda yells, "If anyone's still in here I'm going to fucking shoot you!" Turns out they were gone.
It's hard to describe how I felt going through my house and seeing the utter disrespect for my belongings strewn about all over the ground. My mattress was moved, my underware drawer gone through. Everything was touched or pulled down and looked at for it's monetary value. They took all the electronics. TV's, laptops, cameras, my mouse, my ipod, my flip camcorder, etc. The only non-electronic stuff they took were two Buddha shaped piggy banks (assholes), Miranda's laptop bag, and one, just one of my pillow cases, probably to carry stuff in. I really liked that pillow case. It was part of a new set.
There was a lot of crying and shaking and hugging at first, and then I said,"We need to make a list." Mom came over and Jeremy came over with a baseball bat and a massive Mag light. Paul, the officer who took our initial report showed up. I told him I suspected my neighbor, whom I hate and he hates me. Paul said he wasn't going over there because he didn't carry a gun. Mom helped us calm down and form an action plan. After Mom left we all stayed up until 4am because we were so jittery. I had to sleep with the light on. I felt like someone was going to come through the window any second.
Intellectually, you know that they're gone, they're not in your house any more, they got what they wanted. Emotionally, all you feel is unsafe and violated and discombobulated. I could picture them running around my house, grabbing things, looking through things, being jacked up on the adrenalin of what they were doing. It's like there was residual energy that we could feel.
I felt lucky. We didn't walk in on this happening and they didn't take my external hard drive. I keep all my pictures, music, videos, ebooks, and movies on my external. My life is on that external, and they didn't take it. I just looked at it fondly, happy it's in front of me. My big, cool, Nikon is gone but I can get another one just like it. Same goes with the TV. I didn't want that TV in the first place.
The next morning Miranda comes out talking to someone "important" on her phone. She sounds excited and keeps saying, "Yes, that's mine!" A probation officer had been doing a spot check on a house in our neighborhood and noticed that a juvenile had an Apple Macbook. She didn't believe he'd bought it so she took it from him and saw that it was registered to some white girl named Miranda. So yay, Miranda got her laptop back. The only thing they recovered was one of my Buddha piggy banks. The PO, Diane, went back with the police and they arrested three juveniles who, I guess, imediately rolled on each other and admitted to selling the TV's already and stealing our stuff. There were a total of five males involved in our home invasion.
The Detective working on our case is mildly excited because they have people in custody and the DA is going to press charges against them. Normally, burglary cases have no leads, nothing is recovered and the cases are just closed with a ,"Sorry."
It's upsetting how much more paranoid I am now. I am scared to be in my house alone. I'm just scared in general. It's hard to look at this experience in any kind of positive light. I don't see light in many places anymore. It's like there's a fog around me right now. I can't find my way out.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Not Finishing
I'm having a hard time expressing myself at the moment. I'm trying to write a post about being robbed but I just keep not finishing it.
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