Best I Can

I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I need to do something.  Something that will knock me loose.  Something that will give me tools to become what I want.  An achievement with something I have not been able to control for 20 years.  Something that is necessary and cannot be avoided but needs to be taken seriously and yes we only live once but I don’t want to be happy for 10 minutes and then miserable for THE REST OF THE DAY. 

I’m not proud of these grooves in my brain.  I want to be proud of myself. I don’t want to be doing this just for control reasons.  I want to feel better about being me.  That’s why I need to do something, do something that I can be proud of.  To know I’m doing something, something good for my brain and body and future and present.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this thing.  I’ve never been able to keep it up, to maintain something so basic and important to life.  I want, I want, I want a better quality of life.  The best I can get.

I will have to fight.  Fight my brain.  Fight my hormones.  Fight my cravings, which I’ve always given in to.  Fight habits and wants and immediate satisfaction.  Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, not give up, don’t give up, don’t tell yourself it’s not worth it.  It is worth it, you’re worth it, we’re all worth it.  10 minutes versus a Day. 

THIS person

There’s this person. 

They have everything they want. 

This person is where they want to be. 

They have their life on the path most fulfilling. 

This person is loyal and committed to things they believe in. 

They eat great food and their muscles are toned and their body can do amazing things.

This person is not jaded but realistically optimistic.

This person has a job that makes them feel content and challenged and happy. 

They laugh a lot and dance and look for the best in things. 

This person has a great group of friends that give support and laughter and expect the same in return. 

This person lives in a place that has beauty and is close to their family. 

This person listens and shows empathy and doesn’t judge quickly. 

This person has their shit together.

I have such a crush on this person.  I think about them all the time.  I’m obsessed with this person.

This person is not on anti-depressants because they eat healthy and meditate and exercise so their hormones aren’t always going haywire.

They take care of their body and teeth and skin. 

They take care of themselves.

This person can run and climb and lift.

This person can physically defend themselves.

They don’t make excuses for making bad choices.

This person is in the moment. 

They are present.

They are not afraid to love because they might get hurt or experience loss.

This person does not give up.

This person is my future self.  She’s pretty great.

?

But what if there is no dream?

Ice Cream

You'll never get anywhere if all you do is:


eat ice cream.

Few Things

I got a raise at work.  A very nice one.
My truck passed smog.  They gave me a $15 off coupon, too.
The brick pavers I wanted for my back patio went way down in price just before I bought them.
My Parents' house sold and they found a nice rental house.
I haven't been as tired.


Just a few things.

The Meaning of Life Is

It's been a week since I've started taking an antidepressant called Bupropion.  Also called Wellbutrin.  How I got the prescription was a mirror image of me when I was 18 and in a similar state of mind with a dash of drama added.  I was in a doctor's office breaking down the moment I'm asked about it.  I've been steadily depressed for around three and a half years and was not self aware enough to realize it. Unhappy at a job I once loved, in a relationship that was going nowhere, very uncomfortable with my body, then unemployment, the dissolution of the relationship, one of my sweet dogs dying suddenly, and a few other things just kept pushing me down until I was just down all the time.

Way
down.

No where, no one, no nothing.  No, no, no.  I slowly isolated myself.  Away from everything and everyone.  Just stopped caring.  Didn't want to care or give or love or share or fight or have to express myself because I had nothing to express.  The only emotion I still felt was when I was with my family.  Everything else felt so exhausting and fake and pointless so I'm going to go home and go to sleep.  We're all going to die anyway.

But with everything, there are cycles and waves and I could poke my head up sometimes and see what was happening was bad and that I needed to do something about it.  But I've always been a slow starter so when it was more than a little bad and I started having fleeting suicidal thoughts I realized I had to get up and I had to do something because there is so much beauty in this life.  I can still see that, every day I see that.

Here are some of the things I find beautiful:

my parents utter devotion to each other
good books and words
murmuration
the feeling I get when I look at a dog
oceans
my sister's optimism
mini horses
music
my brother's doggedness
mountains
watching someone do what they love the most
my nephews' uninhibited joy with life





"The meaning of life is just to be alive.  It's so plain and so obvious and so simple.  And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves."
---Alan Watts

Do It All The Time

I possess all the tools to accomplish what I want.  This summer can be a triumph. It doesn't have to end in failure and more self hatred. Why do I always go dark? Why do I refuse to see my potential? Tomorrow is another day and all that shit. This is possible. Totally attainable. People do it all the time and I'm a person. I am human.