Surreal

I really haven't cooked a dinner since he left.  It feels wrong.  It feels like I shouldn't be doing this.

I can't describe this surreal feeling I get sometimes when I realize that he's not here.

Finally

At the beautiful UC Riverside campus.

I have accomplished something recently that I'm very proud of.  My first 5K race.  That's 3.10 miles.  I haven't participated in a race since grade school, so when Kara suggested that we do this for "external motivation" I was hesitant. But with my 30th birthday looming this year I thought I'd try something other than selling myself short.  It worked, Kara worked for it and I worked for it.

This is the Before picture.  As in, Before we were red-faced and sweaty.

Mark was such a trooper.  He held the bags and rode herd on two young, rambunctious boys while we did our race and took pictures of us.  Thanks, Mark!

Waiting for the horn at the starting line.  (That's my creepy face.)

So the air horn all of a sudden goes off, startling us and the crowd pushes forward in high spirits like a herd of spooked cows.  Kara and I find this extremely amusing and are laughing for the first 5 minutes of the run.
I'd say we ran the majority of the race but there were hills.  Big hills.  So we walked up those.  But it was so fun and the campus was so pretty and I loved doing this challenge with my sister.  

This was just before the finish.

As we came close to the end we see Mark and Owen, and West waiting for us and we were walking a little so we could run the last bit and Owen says, "Mommy, you're supposed to be running!"  So we started running again.  Thanks for the motivation, Owen.

Yeah, I'm working that belly off.

That's Owen slapping his mom on the butt and I just got a low five from Scotty the Bear.

We did it!  We finished right behind a lovely 50-something lady at 46 minutes and I don't know how many seconds.  Plenty of room for improvement but I am so proud we ran most of it and finished in under an hour.  And I got to do something I've never done before with my bad ass sister.  And we got free shirts out of it.

The After picture.  Somewhat red-faced.

Much Running

It's The

It's really the little things.

As I'm putting on my socks I remember the dogs getting excited. They thought I was getting ready to take them on a walk or to the dog park.  I'd feel exasperated and say, "No, I have to go to work, babies.  I am not taking you on a walk right now."

 I see a Wicket the Ewok toy and want to tell Jim about how I want to buy it so Wickett can look at Wicket and want to tear it to shreds.

It's doing just my laundry.

It's the empty holes on the wall where pictures were.

It's the azalea in the backyard.

It's the vast space in my bed.

It's hearing him say those words to me over and over and over in my mind.

It's the little things.

Driving

When I know he won't be there when I get home, I don't want to go home.  I just keep driving.

The Life of Bugs

I wanted to do a little photo memorial of my dog, Bugs.  She died on Sunday, April 1st, 2012.  She was a sweet 9lb. dog of unknown origins (which are the best in my opinion.)  Jim and I adopted her from a shelter in March of 2010.  The shelter estimated that she was around a year old when we got her so she only lived three years.  The two years we had her were filled with love and fun.  She had a good life and that's what helps me cope with her sudden death. 

Bugs loved Wickett, food, and us, in that order.  We got her so Wickett would have a companion while we were at work and Bugs certainly filled that roll.

First picture we took of Bugs when we got her home.

Playing after first grooming.

Another one of Bugs' favorite pastimes.

Buddies on a walk

Napping Buddies

In two years they never had a real fight.

Bed Buddies

 Bugs loved laying in the sun.  She would come in covered in dirt and twigs after her sun nap.

She had this intense stare that was funny and compelling at the same time.

River Buddies

This was just a funny picture of her.

Ahhh....

She loved sleeping right next to you.  She needed contact.

Cutie

Bugs had a natural Mohawk.  She was a badass.

After an adventure.

She was easy to love.

Me and Bugs

My babies

Bugs in the middle

Scruffy Bugs

These are the last pictures taken of her.  When Jim and I broke up he could afford to take care of the dogs better than I could so they went with him to his house because we didn't want to split them up.  Before they left I took some pictures of them for myself.  

This is the last picture.  She had just run around in the front yard sprinklers and Jim got a good one of her.

We buried Bugs in the backyard of my house where she lived most of her life.  Jim wanted to plant something in her memory so he bought this azalea with white flowers.  I think of her and how much I loved her every time I look outside and see it.  

Rest In Peace, little girl.  I'll see you on the flip side.

Much Love

Badass

I've been training for a 5K on April 7th.  I've had some trouble staying consistent but I've been on track this past two weeks.  With Jim gone I seem to have a lot more time on my hands.  Sometimes it feels like a punishment but I know it's actually a gift I'm giving myself by doing this.  I'll thank myself later, much later.  I've been using my lovely treadmill to walk and run and I ran two continuous miles last night and was quite proud of myself.  Thought I was a badass.

Well, tonight I casually mention to my brother that I need to start running outside on the real ground.  My brother regularly runs 6 miles at a time.  So he says, "Let's go tonight."  I say, "Fine." (Well, I said it more in a whiny-scared-nervous voice.)
There's a route I used to take from the house to walk the dogs.  It's a big square that Guy tells me once around is 1.6 miles.  So twice around is 3.2 miles.  5 kilometers is 3.1 miles.

Perfect.  I ran two miles on the treadmill last night and wasn't dying, per se, I can do this.  Um, wow, yeah, that was a lot harder than running on the treadmill.  It just seems like you have to think and control so many things you don't need to worry about when you're on a flat, steady treadmill.  We went around twice, so I got the distance.  I will admit that I did need to walk for about half a mile within those 3.2.  I was dying.  My face is so red.  I will pay for this tomorrow.

This was 30min after running and still red-faced.

Much Mouth Breathing

Numb

I feel very numb right now.  I don't feel anything.