You

You forget after a while that you are alone.  You forget that they might not be there one day.  You get used to having your best friend sleeping next to you.  You believe that all your problems are fixable.

And one day you wake up by yourself and look over at the other side of the bed and remember that you are alone.  You've always been alone.  You always will be alone.  You have to get right with that and run with it.

So Quiet

My life is so quiet now.

No Country

"'Do you understand?  When I came into your life your life was over.  It had a beginning, a middle, and an end.  You can say that things could have turned out differently.  That they could have been some other way.  But what does that mean?  They are not some other way.  They are this way.  You're asking that I second say the world.  Do you see?'

'Yes,' she said, sobbing.  'I do.  I truly do.'

'Good,' he said.  'That's good.'  Then he shot her."

---No Country For Old Men


Once again, this is strangely comforting to me.

Torn

I had a man come up to me today at work and tell me that our jewelry selection had inspired him.  Looking at him, I didn't expect that to come out of his mouth.  Slicked back hair with a Bluetooth in his ear, mid to late thirties.  I'm in an adventurous mood so I ask him if he's an artist.  He waffles a little bit and then looks me straight in the eyes and tells me he paints with watercolors, and he's great at it.  Interesting.  Let's see where this goes.

I ask what inspired him so much, was it the color or...what?  He says it's inspired him to make jewelry, just out of the blue.  Then he blurts out that he wants to make butterflies into jewelry.  He likes butterflies.  He likes them a lot.  And not just gold or silver butterflies, but true-to-life butterflies with the right colors and everything.  So a Monarch butterfly would look like a Monarch.  He wants to start his own business, but he wants to do something he loves.  Then we were interrupted by another customer and the unspoken end of our conversation is that he wants to make butterfly jewelry as a business because he's passionate about it.  OK.

Now, I'm a little torn here.  This seems to be a reoccurring thing that zips through my brain when I am faced with these situations.  Is he fucking with me or is he serious?  Is he saying this to me because he's socially awkward or just flat out lying or is he confessing a secret to me he's never told anyone and just randomly picked me?  It seems so weird, this subject he brings up without much prompting from me.  I am totally judging him by how he looks versus what's coming out of his mouth and it's just not jiving for me.  But at the same time, if he is telling me the truth, good for him.  Go make butterfly jewelry.  I'm sure someone would buy it.

My judgement or perception or awareness or spidey senses or intuition is something I've never paid much attention to.  We are told not to judge.  But don't believe what everyone tells you.  Should I give people the benefit of the doubt, or should I be more, oh, I don't know, not cynical, but closer to mistrustful?

I've suffered from gullibility for my whole life so this shift would be significant if I decided to go down the suspicious path.  Or should I stay on the rainbow road?  I guess it would depend on how serious the situation is.

I'm going to believe him about the butterflies.  Why not?

Vertigo

I am so shaky.

It's like I got hit on the head and every time I look at my life I get vertigo.

I used to have someone to balance me.  Someone to grab onto and hold until I felt comfortable -- supported.

I don't know if that's considered healthy but it turns out to be the one thing that I'm missing the most.

Being there and having someone there.

There's really nothing so steadying.

To me, it's everything.

Slack Off

Wow.  I didn't know how deep in denial I was until a few minutes ago.  It keeps hitting me over and over and over again.  I would really love it if this feeling would slack off a little bit and give me some breathing space.

My life keeps unraveling.  I have no control.

Not Just Me

I haven't done this in a while but the other day I locked my purse and my keys in my truck.  My phone was in my purse as well.  I was at Walmart.  Oh, and I had groceries in the vehicle as well and it was hot.

I get pretty upset when stuff like that happens.  When I lose control of a situation and don't know the outcome I kinda have a panic attack.  So I ran back into Walmart and started looking for somewhere to borrow a phone.  I couldn't really see one so I asked an employee where there was one and the look she gave me was somewhat upsetting.  She looked at me like there wasn't a phone anywhere I could borrow.  Like I was such a hassle.  Like she didn't know how I couldn't have my own phone to call someone on even after I explained what I'd done.  This didn't make me feel taken care of at all.

I did find a phone in the eyeglasses area.  I had to call my father because I only really remember my mother's, ex-boyfriend's, and my parents house phone numbers.  So Dad called my brother and he said he was on the way with the extra key.

I found a place to lean against in the shade in the front of the store and had an uncomfortable 15 minutes of waiting with nothing in my hands except a dish wand.  The dish wand was what caused me to lock everything in the truck in the first place.  There was a booth to sign a petition for legalizing weed in front of the store and two people manning the booth but completely ignoring everyone and just talking to each other.  So many families coming and going with little kids and grandparents.

A man came out and asked me if anyone was coming to help me, he'd heard me in the store asking for a phone.  I told him yes.  He then proceeded to tell me ways to hide a key on the truck so it wouldn't happen again while giving me what I thought was a weird look.  I didn't really figure it out until I moved him along that he was checking me out.  Which was off putting to me because he was 55 or over and had a wedding band on.

There was a girl who walked out and I witnessed a guy in a SUV crazy craning his head around to check her out while she pretended to look at her phone.  I guess she felt so uncomfortable she looked at me and walked over and leaned against the wall right next to me and told me she was going to stand with me because that guy had been there that morning and had come back and creeped her out.  I told her it was good that she trusted her instincts.  They wouldn't steer her wrong.

After a few minutes she left and my brother showed up and I drove home with my groceries and dish wand.  It was nice to get out of my world for a bit.  I remembered that we are all here, not just me.