The Good Earth

"I don't wait for moods.  You accomplish nothing if you do that.  Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

--Pearl S. Buck

More Everything

I had somewhat of a breakthrough today.  I've been struggling with my drive to find a new job.  I mean the physical act of walking out the door and putting in apps and my resume.  I've been paralyzed by that.  I was bad at doing that before Borders.  The only reason I applied for Borders 9 years ago was because my mom suggested it.  Or maybe it was my dad.  I've forgotten.  I'd never heard of it before and when they told me it was a bookstore, I jumped for it because I love reading.

I was very confident at Borders because I started fresh there.  It was a brand new store.  I was a brand new 20-year-old.  I grew up there.  I learned to be a leader there.  I learned so much about people and myself there.  I learned patience.  I learned how to embrace change.  I learned that people just want to be heard and acknowledged.  I learned peacekeeping.  I learned how to laugh at myself.  I loved it there and in the end, I hated it there.  Yes, I did quit, but I really had no idea it would have this much hold on me for this long of time after I left voluntarily.

Maybe I didn't give it enough thought after I left.  I wasn't prepared for how this time off would effect me.  The time alone.  The time thinking.  The time to get stuff done but not doing it.  The t.v., the internet sucking up all my valuable time.  I didn't know how important it was for me, as a person, to contribute monetarily to my own livelihood.  Jim told me today that he came back because he loved who I was when I was totally independent of him.  When I only had myself to think about I was thin, I was strong.  I had friends and a social life.  I went places and did things and had fun.  I don't do those things so much anymore and I'm worst for it.

with friends

It's so common sense what I need to do.  I need to stop thinking and start doing.  Every time I stop doing things, and I mean anything, I start getting depressed.  I feel so guilty that I had this whole day and all I did was watch t.v. and look at the internet.  I didn't work out or take the dogs for a walk.  I didn't start any woodworking projects that I want to do, I have three that I've planned but never started.  I didn't go put in my resume anywhere.  I didn't go take any pictures.  I didn't hang out with any of my friends that I miss and would really like to reconnect with.  Weeks, I've lost weeks.  It makes me so mad at myself.  So mad.

I need to get out of my head and just get shit done.  This is the only life I've got and I don't want to keep wasting it.  I want more fun.  I want more sense of accomplishment.  I want more everything.

Much Love

Manipulation

Bugs started a new habit of standing just outside the kitchen and staring at me.

She knows she's not allowed in the kitchen, and most of the time she follows the rules.

I love how you can see a halo of wiry hair sticking out from her skinny body.  We're letting the dogs coats grow out for winter.

She's going to look even more ridiculous in a month or two.

Bugs...out of the kitchen.

What do you want from me?

I can't understand you.  I don't speak dog.  I try not to communicate my every wish with my eyes, it makes me feel vulnerable.  But that doesn't stop you, does it, Bugs?

Okay, okay, I'll get off the computer and pet you.

Much Manipulation

Pattern

I need a new pattern in my life.  I keep doing the same thing to myself over and over and feeling the same way over and over.  I wonder if I have the fortitude to reformat my day or my thinking or the way I say things.  I want to do so much.  I want to get out of this house.  I want to stop being so afraid of everything.  I remember being like this before.  It's like the last 9 years never happened.  But they did happen.  I grew up.  I keep forgetting that.  I'm in adult denial. I'm a slow starter.

Much Love

Hunt

So I've chucked myself into the job market after 6 months of me no worky.  

Oh, job hunting.

It's been about 5 days and I've had an interview already.  It was exciting getting called an hour after I'd put in my resume.  I immediately bought a new outfit and some snazzy heels to make me feel confident.  I don't know why walking with a wiggle in my hips makes me feel strong but it does.  But the job turned out to not be enough for me right now.  Maybe five years ago I'd have taken it but now I have a little better understanding of what's important to me.  

It did depress me a little, though.  That's bothering me.  I need to not let this job hunt hurt my attitude or my routine.  I just need to stay positive and something will turn up that I will be happy with.  Right?

Much Deep Breathing

Sweet Surrender

Birthday Dinner #1 at Moo Creamery.  Had the roasted asparagus sandwich.  I love asparagus so it was right up my alley.  Jim had a huge juicy spicy burger that I don't remember the name of but it looked fantastic.  Also had some of the best onion rings I've ever tasted.  Jim got me a Matterhorn Chocolate Cake from Sweet Surrender with the words "Hold Me Now" on it.  That's our song.  So thoughtful and decadent.

Pro Tripod (thanks Mom and Dad)

Mom and Dad got me this sick professional tripod.  It wasn't on my list so it was a real surprise, but then I remembered how often I thought to myself, "I really need a tripod."  

Pro Ball Head for said tripod

Then Mom just handed me this onion and said it was a Vidalia.  She gets random produce from her work at Grimway Farms.  It was such cute mom thing.  I love it when she does things like this.

Sweet Vidalia Onion

So Yummy

We ate some before I could take a picture so the "Now" in  "Hold Me Now"

Holy Moly, this is rich.

Much Birthday Love

DMV Makeover

I'm turning 29 tomorrow.  Today was the DMV and getting my driver's license renewed.  New picture in 13 years.  I kinda freaked out about it and went to Sephora to get my makeup done by someone that knows what they're doing.  She was nice.  She liked NPR.  Jimmy wanted to take some pictures of me.

Red Lips

Hello....

I'm so old.

I got all made up for this picture, went to the DMV, took the picture within 15 minutes of getting there and was told that it would be mailed to me.  I didn't even get to make sure the picture was good!

I liked my eyes.  Yes, I bought some product.

I feel good about turning 29.  I feel like it's going to be a great year.  I'm infinitely upbeat.

Much Makeup