Settling Down

I want to grow a garden with lots of tomatoes.  Lots of basil.
I want two chickens.
I want a mini horse.
I guess I want a farm.



The quiet of my life is calming me.  My mind is settling down.  My breathing slowing.  My eyes have stopped watering so much.  I have two mantras that I say.  Both of them are practical.

"It is what it is."
(That's number one.  Pretty succinct.)

"It doesn't matter."
(That's the one I repeat when I think of things that don't help me.  Things that just make me sad and I have no control over.)


I really have no personal plans for my future.  That might change, in the future.  I'm not going to pursue anything.  I still want to get happy being me alone.  I'll love myself, my family and friends.

Anyone else will have to get in line.

What

Last night I killed a bear with a spear through the neck.  In my dreams.  Nightmares.  In my mind.


My dog was in the following dream just staring at me.  It was good seeing him.


That's all I remember.


What's going on, brain?

Not Enough

I hated this year.  This year, this year needs to end.  It needs to die.  Words fly around in my brain like a bird that can't find a way out.  All I feel is sad, sad, sad.

Slow starter, self-sabotage-er, anti-social old woman.

I don't know what will happen.  I don't know anything anymore.  I can't bring myself to say anything positive and that's disconcerting me.  Everything sounds so stupid and cliche and not enough.

I need to pull myself out of this hole.  It's just hard when you can't see a way out.

Easy

It's easy to stay single when you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone.

Thanks

Sadie loves the Ranger

Kara had a lot of funny faces to share.  That's the face Owen does sometimes.

Dog

Dad

Everything was on fire.

Look at her.  She's an angel.

Oh no, a bear!!

Ahh!!!

Ah, another bear!

Ah, a kitten?!!

Go home Lohan, you're drunk!

Mark won for Best Behaved.

Rock Steady

Duo

"He can't keep a straight face when I do this." --Donna

Favorite Picture for some reason

Mark is a beard and hair model.  A bear model.  A bear.  A lumberjack. Etc.

Focused

Most Times

Sometimes I have such hope for my life.  I see the possibility everywhere.

But most times, I have trouble seeing the point.

My hope gets lost quite easily.

Fear

Overall, I have a lack of emotion.  Moreover, I believe I am stopping said emotion from materializing because of fear.

The fear of pain.

Eight months of varying levels of emotional pain.  When a memory or an errant thought becomes whole I seem to duck them like fastballs aimed at my head (or more saccharin, my heart).  I have come to that part.  Not yet indifferent but no longer invested in anything.

I find my ability to feel sorry for myself edging toward infinite.



"It has been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone." 
--Rose Kennedy