Be Like This

I feel like I'm in a bubble. But this bubble has to pop.  Everything has to change. If it doesn't change. If it (I) don't get better...I don't know.  I know better. No grand, sweeping statements.  But I know I can't be like this much longer.

Sometimes

Jeez...I wish I was better at life sometimes.

Older

So.........I turn 31 tomorrow.

We reflect on our lives when we have a birthday.  All I ever want to do is move on.  Nothing to see here.  I used to want time to slow down.  Slow w  a   y     d             o             w             n.

Not any longer.  I feel as though I'm getting through the days so I can get to something else.

Something better, I hope.  Be older and wiser.  Find a balance.  Find somewhere to flow.  Find some beauty.

Find some horses.

Flag

I don't know what to say about my life right now.  It's very quiet.  But of my own making.  I feel like a hermit crab.  I only come out of my shell when I want to.  I feel myself falling back into my slow starting ways.  Maybe I'm fortifying myself.
Shielding myself for my 31st year in life.  
After having bettered my circumstances, a.k.a. getting a full time job with benefits, I thought I would be "happy." And I was about that part of my life.  But I've re-remembered that happiness is meant to be fleeting.  You can't be happy all the time.  Satisfaction or contentedness is more of what I'm shooting for.  I read something beautiful this morning.  
Let me see if I can find it again.......45 minutes later (sorry, Tumblr is distracting):

"When you look upon another human being and feel great love toward them, or when you contemplate beauty in nature and something within you responds deeply to it, close your eyes for a moment and feel the essence of that love or that beauty within you, inseparable from who you are, your true nature. The outer form is a temporary reflection of what you are within, in your essence. That is why love and beauty can never leave you, although all outer forms will."

                                                                                                    – Eckhart Tolle

This is what I will practice.  When happiness comes upon me, when I recognize the joy I feel when being with someone I love dearly, or doing something that makes me proud, I will revel in it.  I will close my eyes and put down a little memory flag.  Or maybe just say thank you.  Thank you for that moment. 

Thank You

From one part time job, to two part time jobs, to one FULL TIME job!  I got a full time job making just under what I made at Borders as a sales manager!  I'm back, baby!  It's been over two years since my last full time job at a living wage and it still feels surreal.

I know a lot of people have it worse than me.  I'm aware of that.  But this has been my personal worst time financially.  I'm built to have pride for providing for myself.  A big part of my identity comes from being as self sufficient as possible.

It gives me so much peace knowing I will not worry as much about money.  I can throw away my Cal Fresh application now and think about saving money for the future.  I can stop watching my clothes fall apart.  I can leave my credit card at home now.  I can quiet the nagging voice in the back of my head always telling me that I'm broke I can't afford that I can't go there Gas is so expensive I can't do that Can't buy that Can't fix that Please don't let my truck break down Going to have to put it on the credit card.

Fear.  Living in constant fear is what it comes down to.  No more.

From the bottom of my heart...Thank you, Mom.

Back

I have two jobs now.  One is retail.  One is office.  Together they almost equal a real job without any benefits.  And a lot of driving.  And no free time.  So.....it's good and bad.  I'll just have to adapt and hope something is over the next hill.  Hope -- there's that word again.  It's back.

Detrimental

I keep getting down on myself.  I see myself doing things that are detrimental to my well being, then I feel bad about those decisions, and that makes me want to feel better, so I do things that are detrimental to my well being.  Round and round I go. I've had thirty years to learn myself.  3-0.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not in charge of anything.  My will is not my own.  It's so easy to run off the tracks, fall off the bridge, and you look up and see how far you have to climb to get back to...what?  It feels like a weird biological pattern.  I think it's survival, but it's surviving in one of the most affluent countries in the world.  All the choices are my own.  All the bad.  All the good.

Tracks

I find life to be a lot like a train.  For some reason I like to lay on the tracks and get run over. 

Over and over and over again.

Or maybe I like being a victim.

Or both.

Rude

I'm told that I'm rude.  I'm a rude person.  This makes me angry and more rude when I hear this.  It makes me tired and sad.  It makes me wish I could leave.

Pulled

Every time.  I feel so devastated.  I feel like the rug is pulled again.  I knew this would happen eventually but you never know how you will feel until it actually does.  Happen.  It happened.

Listen

So after almost a year, I still can't really listen to Adele.

Settling Down

I want to grow a garden with lots of tomatoes.  Lots of basil.
I want two chickens.
I want a mini horse.
I guess I want a farm.



The quiet of my life is calming me.  My mind is settling down.  My breathing slowing.  My eyes have stopped watering so much.  I have two mantras that I say.  Both of them are practical.

"It is what it is."
(That's number one.  Pretty succinct.)

"It doesn't matter."
(That's the one I repeat when I think of things that don't help me.  Things that just make me sad and I have no control over.)


I really have no personal plans for my future.  That might change, in the future.  I'm not going to pursue anything.  I still want to get happy being me alone.  I'll love myself, my family and friends.

Anyone else will have to get in line.

What

Last night I killed a bear with a spear through the neck.  In my dreams.  Nightmares.  In my mind.


My dog was in the following dream just staring at me.  It was good seeing him.


That's all I remember.


What's going on, brain?