My Head and Body Just Laughed

I saw something I wanted today.  Someone.  It's rare.  To see someone and be immediately attracted to them.  In real life, not everyone is perfect as in the pictures.  That was nice.

But

There 

Is 

Always

Something

Sad 

About

It

For me.  I felt regret.  Regret there wasn't even a chance.  Not even remotely, long shot, hail mary, one in a million, just nope.  No chchchance.  

So

Far

Away

I 

Can

Never 

Reach

It

Not from where I'm at.  So low down here on my own.  I saw him and immediately went on a trip.  A dream vacation that ended pretty fast in a painful realization.  I saw him smile and laugh and wanted to know what that felt like against my back...

My

Head

And 

Body

Just

Laughed

At 

My 

Wants

"You're a mess. Your body is a mess. Your mind is a wasteland. No one would be attracted to you like you are in any way.  Especially someone like him."  

It's 

Amazing 

How 

Fast 

I 

Shot

Myself 

In 

The 

Heart

falling

W
    h
       y

             c
               a
                 n
                   '
                    t
                             
                        I
                   
                           S
                              T
                                 O
                                    P

                                            f
                                                 a
                                                      l
                                                           l
                                                                 i
                                                                      n
                                                                           g


                                                                                             apart?

but now

I was going to do stuff today after work, but now I just want to shut my brain off.

Merica

Fucking 4th of July in this piece of shit country.  Remember it's full of people, and people are fucked up.

Stay Alone

What am I?  I feel like a robot with no task.  I feel like an alien with no probe.  What am I good for?  When you take away the societal norms that are put on a woman, a person, a being, what is it for?  Why is it here?  I feel so numb.  So outside.  I feel like an afterthought, an extra.  

My brain waves are confined to shallow puddles on a dirty sidewalk.  My heart is barely beating.  This is my depression speaking.  I know.  I know it's temporary but still...

I feel very alone.  I am very alone.  I made myself alone.  I don't know how to stop being alone.  Who would want this complete fucking mess?  So I stay alone.  I'll stay here.  

Sorry, I took a panic attack break.  So fun.  I'm not working as a human being.  As a person I'm not here.  I don't even know what I do for most the day, where I am.  Can you say auto pilot?  I sure can.  Auto pilot.  Acting like a normal person is exhausting.  I can only do it so long.

I am so far, so far from where I want to be.  Where I should be.  I'm no where near.  I have so far to go it seems impossible to get there, to start to get there.  I don't even know where.  I just know it's not here.  Where I am now, is the worst place.  All of it.  My head is way below the water.  

Existence is not living.  We only have so much time and I'm wasting mine.  Like sands of the hourglass so are the days of our lives....I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety right now if you haven't noticed.  I'm writing my anxiety down, hoping it will help me get past it.  It's slowly working.  One can only stay in a anxious state so long.  I've learned this about myself.  It comes and goes.  I just have to ride it out and I know it will pass. Until the next time.

Best I Can

I need to do something.  I need to do something.  I need to do something.  Something that will knock me loose.  Something that will give me tools to become what I want.  An achievement with something I have not been able to control for 20 years.  Something that is necessary and cannot be avoided but needs to be taken seriously and yes we only live once but I don’t want to be happy for 10 minutes and then miserable for THE REST OF THE DAY. 

I’m not proud of these grooves in my brain.  I want to be proud of myself. I don’t want to be doing this just for control reasons.  I want to feel better about being me.  That’s why I need to do something, do something that I can be proud of.  To know I’m doing something, something good for my brain and body and future and present.

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this thing.  I’ve never been able to keep it up, to maintain something so basic and important to life.  I want, I want, I want a better quality of life.  The best I can get.

I will have to fight.  Fight my brain.  Fight my hormones.  Fight my cravings, which I’ve always given in to.  Fight habits and wants and immediate satisfaction.  Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, not give up, don’t give up, don’t tell yourself it’s not worth it.  It is worth it, you’re worth it, we’re all worth it.  10 minutes versus a Day. 

THIS person

There’s this person. 

They have everything they want. 

This person is where they want to be. 

They have their life on the path most fulfilling. 

This person is loyal and committed to things they believe in. 

They eat great food and their muscles are toned and their body can do amazing things.

This person is not jaded but realistically optimistic.

This person has a job that makes them feel content and challenged and happy. 

They laugh a lot and dance and look for the best in things. 

This person has a great group of friends that give support and laughter and expect the same in return. 

This person lives in a place that has beauty and is close to their family. 

This person listens and shows empathy and doesn’t judge quickly. 

This person has their shit together.

I have such a crush on this person.  I think about them all the time.  I’m obsessed with this person.

This person is not on anti-depressants because they eat healthy and meditate and exercise so their hormones aren’t always going haywire.

They take care of their body and teeth and skin. 

They take care of themselves.

This person can run and climb and lift.

This person can physically defend themselves.

They don’t make excuses for making bad choices.

This person is in the moment. 

They are present.

They are not afraid to love because they might get hurt or experience loss.

This person does not give up.

This person is my future self.  She’s pretty great.

?

But what if there is no dream?

Ice Cream

You'll never get anywhere if all you do is:


eat ice cream.

Few Things

I got a raise at work.  A very nice one.
My truck passed smog.  They gave me a $15 off coupon, too.
The brick pavers I wanted for my back patio went way down in price just before I bought them.
My Parents' house sold and they found a nice rental house.
I haven't been as tired.


Just a few things.

The Meaning of Life Is

It's been a week since I've started taking an antidepressant called Bupropion.  Also called Wellbutrin.  How I got the prescription was a mirror image of me when I was 18 and in a similar state of mind with a dash of drama added.  I was in a doctor's office breaking down the moment I'm asked about it.  I've been steadily depressed for around three and a half years and was not self aware enough to realize it. Unhappy at a job I once loved, in a relationship that was going nowhere, very uncomfortable with my body, then unemployment, the dissolution of the relationship, one of my sweet dogs dying suddenly, and a few other things just kept pushing me down until I was just down all the time.

Way
down.

No where, no one, no nothing.  No, no, no.  I slowly isolated myself.  Away from everything and everyone.  Just stopped caring.  Didn't want to care or give or love or share or fight or have to express myself because I had nothing to express.  The only emotion I still felt was when I was with my family.  Everything else felt so exhausting and fake and pointless so I'm going to go home and go to sleep.  We're all going to die anyway.

But with everything, there are cycles and waves and I could poke my head up sometimes and see what was happening was bad and that I needed to do something about it.  But I've always been a slow starter so when it was more than a little bad and I started having fleeting suicidal thoughts I realized I had to get up and I had to do something because there is so much beauty in this life.  I can still see that, every day I see that.

Here are some of the things I find beautiful:

my parents utter devotion to each other
good books and words
murmuration
the feeling I get when I look at a dog
oceans
my sister's optimism
mini horses
music
my brother's doggedness
mountains
watching someone do what they love the most
my nephews' uninhibited joy with life





"The meaning of life is just to be alive.  It's so plain and so obvious and so simple.  And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves."
---Alan Watts

Do It All The Time

I possess all the tools to accomplish what I want.  This summer can be a triumph. It doesn't have to end in failure and more self hatred. Why do I always go dark? Why do I refuse to see my potential? Tomorrow is another day and all that shit. This is possible. Totally attainable. People do it all the time and I'm a person. I am human.

Be Like This

I feel like I'm in a bubble. But this bubble has to pop.  Everything has to change. If it doesn't change. If it (I) don't get better...I don't know.  I know better. No grand, sweeping statements.  But I know I can't be like this much longer.

Sometimes

Jeez...I wish I was better at life sometimes.

Older

So.........I turn 31 tomorrow.

We reflect on our lives when we have a birthday.  All I ever want to do is move on.  Nothing to see here.  I used to want time to slow down.  Slow w  a   y     d             o             w             n.

Not any longer.  I feel as though I'm getting through the days so I can get to something else.

Something better, I hope.  Be older and wiser.  Find a balance.  Find somewhere to flow.  Find some beauty.

Find some horses.

Flag

I don't know what to say about my life right now.  It's very quiet.  But of my own making.  I feel like a hermit crab.  I only come out of my shell when I want to.  I feel myself falling back into my slow starting ways.  Maybe I'm fortifying myself.
Shielding myself for my 31st year in life.  
After having bettered my circumstances, a.k.a. getting a full time job with benefits, I thought I would be "happy." And I was about that part of my life.  But I've re-remembered that happiness is meant to be fleeting.  You can't be happy all the time.  Satisfaction or contentedness is more of what I'm shooting for.  I read something beautiful this morning.  
Let me see if I can find it again.......45 minutes later (sorry, Tumblr is distracting):

"When you look upon another human being and feel great love toward them, or when you contemplate beauty in nature and something within you responds deeply to it, close your eyes for a moment and feel the essence of that love or that beauty within you, inseparable from who you are, your true nature. The outer form is a temporary reflection of what you are within, in your essence. That is why love and beauty can never leave you, although all outer forms will."

                                                                                                    – Eckhart Tolle

This is what I will practice.  When happiness comes upon me, when I recognize the joy I feel when being with someone I love dearly, or doing something that makes me proud, I will revel in it.  I will close my eyes and put down a little memory flag.  Or maybe just say thank you.  Thank you for that moment. 

Thank You

From one part time job, to two part time jobs, to one FULL TIME job!  I got a full time job making just under what I made at Borders as a sales manager!  I'm back, baby!  It's been over two years since my last full time job at a living wage and it still feels surreal.

I know a lot of people have it worse than me.  I'm aware of that.  But this has been my personal worst time financially.  I'm built to have pride for providing for myself.  A big part of my identity comes from being as self sufficient as possible.

It gives me so much peace knowing I will not worry as much about money.  I can throw away my Cal Fresh application now and think about saving money for the future.  I can stop watching my clothes fall apart.  I can leave my credit card at home now.  I can quiet the nagging voice in the back of my head always telling me that I'm broke I can't afford that I can't go there Gas is so expensive I can't do that Can't buy that Can't fix that Please don't let my truck break down Going to have to put it on the credit card.

Fear.  Living in constant fear is what it comes down to.  No more.

From the bottom of my heart...Thank you, Mom.

Back

I have two jobs now.  One is retail.  One is office.  Together they almost equal a real job without any benefits.  And a lot of driving.  And no free time.  So.....it's good and bad.  I'll just have to adapt and hope something is over the next hill.  Hope -- there's that word again.  It's back.

Detrimental

I keep getting down on myself.  I see myself doing things that are detrimental to my well being, then I feel bad about those decisions, and that makes me want to feel better, so I do things that are detrimental to my well being.  Round and round I go. I've had thirty years to learn myself.  3-0.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not in charge of anything.  My will is not my own.  It's so easy to run off the tracks, fall off the bridge, and you look up and see how far you have to climb to get back to...what?  It feels like a weird biological pattern.  I think it's survival, but it's surviving in one of the most affluent countries in the world.  All the choices are my own.  All the bad.  All the good.

Tracks

I find life to be a lot like a train.  For some reason I like to lay on the tracks and get run over. 

Over and over and over again.

Or maybe I like being a victim.

Or both.